


Decisions Made with the People Who Love You

by an_endeavor



Series: Here's Hoping [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, married au, series if they were married
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-05-31 15:11:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15122114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_endeavor/pseuds/an_endeavor
Summary: Continuation of Here's HopingEvents and trials faced through the aos series canon if Phil and Melinda had been married.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Agents of Shield or any of its characters.
> 
> The first couple chapters are things we don't see within the episodes until I really have to start shifting the canon to make it married compliant (for example: the staff ep won't end with May and Ward getting together lol). So please stick with me and I hope you like the final part of this series! I plan on going through the entire aos canon with this so we'll see how that goes.

“No.” She said, devoid of emotion as she heard him approach. 

“No? You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.” 

“I know Fury’s letting you make a team.” She didn’t really know why she was saying no. She knew she didn’t actually have a choice, that Fury ordered her to go with and monitor Coulson. But for a moment she pretended like she had a choice. 

Of course he said a few silly one liners, making a joke, which put her at ease. She couldn’t resist the small smile that broke onto her face at his musings and quickly gave up on pretending, allowing him to sell her on the idea. 

He knew she would say yes by the time he walked away from her office cubicle. Not that it was really a question at all, she was already assigned.

\-----

“So you seriously just want me to be the pilot?” She asked him again later that night as they sat on the couch, Phil resting his feet on the coffee table in front of him while Melinda used the rest of the space to stretch out, her feet resting in his lap and her back resting against the arm of the couch.

“If that’s the only way to get you on the plane then yeah. I just need you with me on this.” 

“That means you’ll be my superior.” She deadpanned, not looking too thrilled with the idea. Phil couldn’t hold back his smirk, “only for work,” he said as he ran his hand over her calf, “come on, it could be fun.”

She didn’t look very convinced which was given away from her crossed arms and raised eyebrow. 

“Well it might not be terrible,” he corrected. 

She rolled her eyes at his attempts to sway her. “I don’t know why you keep trying to convince me it’ll be better than it sounds. You know I’m going to do it anyway.”

“I know,” he smiled, “I was hoping you might enjoy some time away from your cubicle.” 

“I’m going for you and that’s all.” She answered bluntly and with a sense of finality. He knew convincing her to see going on missions again as a positive would take a lot of extra time. 

“Thank you.”

\-----

“You know we’ll have to go back to our professional relationship while we’re on the bus.” She commented a few days before they were set to start their time on the bus.

He sighed at that. He had gotten so used to just being May’s husband that he forgot all the trouble they went through as partners. “I mean we don’t _have_ to.” He tried. He knew she was right, it made things easier on them professionally but sneaking around was easier when they were young and the thought excited them. 

“No one on the team knows we’re married and you’ll be my superior so-“ 

“Yeah you’re right. It’ll make things less complicated” He finished. “It’ll be weird not sleeping next to you when I know you’re in the same space.” 

“I’ll try not to take that as an insult. I doubt sneaking into your cabin unnoticed will be a problem. I’ll be there often enough.” 

He chuckled at that. He was glad she was still up for the more ridiculous parts of keeping their marriage a secret.

\-----

The night before they were going to ship out had finally arrived and Phil and Melinda found themselves awake in bed. Melinda had propped herself up against the headboard, reading some sort of manual to the bus, uncovering its secrets. Phil, on the other hand, had gone through a series of scenarios in his head about their first mission, fully stressing himself out before he turned his mind to other things. He had finally settled in bed before he turned to face Melinda and traced his fingers up and down her thigh. She knew what he was doing, his fingers getting suggestively higher with each retrace, it was their last night in their own home and away from coworkers after all. Still, she didn’t give him the satisfaction of giving in right away and remained stone faced as she read her book, resisting the urge to smile.

“So you’re going to spend your last mission free and coworker free night reading?” He teased, knowing he had her when she shifted as he traced his fingers over her hip bone.  
She finally let the corner of her mouth turn up into a smile. “Maybe. Why, did you have something else in mind?” She asked innocently as if she hadn’t already started to put her book on the nightstand. 

“I could think of a few other things.” He smiled triumphantly as she settled further into their bed, inching closer to him. 

He wrapped his arm around her waist drawing her closer as she hitched her leg further up his hip. He was slowly losing his resolve to keep their relationship a secret as she rolled them, most of it fleeting by the time she ended up perched on top of him. 

“You know we could just tell them we’re married, you could just stay in my cabin full time.” He tried as his hands settled on her hips, his thumbs rubbing over the skin just under the hem of her shirt. 

“Where’s the fun in that?” she commented in a low tone before leaning down to press her lips to his. He lost any argument he had once she deepened the kiss further, her chest making contact with his.

In less than twenty four hours, they would go back to giving the outward appearance of just being coworkers but, on a positive note, he would be running his own ops and May would be leaving her cubicle. They could do it. It would be an adventure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melinda sees more combat than she wanted to and quickly loses her resolve. Phil learns of betrayals and why Skye is really there.   
> Covers episodes 1x02 through 1x05

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres not a whole lot to work with in these episodes so I combined them and showed little scenes throughout them. The chapters should start to get better after this because I get more to work with and I'm fairly excited for a few of the upcoming chapters.

Phil couldn’t believe it. It was only their second mission and his plane was already destroyed, he could only hope they could fix it. One good thing that came out of it was his team had finally started to become a team, one that he was proud of. 

Once the excitement had died down, he made his way to the showers and inspected his wounds in the mirror. He had taken a lot worse beatings but knowing this one came from Reyes’s betrayal made it sting just a little more than it should have. His breath caught as he felt a hand at his shoulder and he quickly turned around, startled. 

“Melinda,” he sighed in relief once he realized it was just her, leaning back against the counter.   
She grabbed his chin and silently angled his face left and right to get a better look. Exhaling, the sound coming off a bit frustrated, she reached behind him, wetting a washcloth and began to wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth. 

He finally spoke when she leaned around him to rinse the rag again. “I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to see any combat.” 

“We’ve only had two missions and I’ve had to fight during both.” Her voice was calm and calculated but he could hear the edge it contained. He knew better than to make excuses so instead he silently allowed her to prod at his cheek, trying not to wince. 

“So you and Reyes huh?” She asked, raising her eyebrow. 

“Oh come on Melinda, you know I would never-” he stopped mid sentence when he saw the corner of her mouth twitch into a smirk, “that’s not nice.” He responded flatly. 

“Yeah, well, neither is telling me I’m just the pilot and then throwing me into combat situations. Multiple times.” She said pointedly. 

“I really am sorry.” 

“I know,” she stated before turning and leaving again. He stayed in place for a while, leaning against the counters in defeat. These missions were supposed to remind her how rewarding the field could be not push her further away from the idea. He knew Melinda was stubborn but he hoped somehow he could coax her into seeing the good in their work again.

\-----

After their mission to save, and then stop, Dr. Hall, which included sending their team into roles they were inexperienced for, May resolved herself to go back into combat. The last time she felt that useless was when Phil called her from the helicarrier the day he died. She couldn’t say goodbye to him over the phone again or wait for bad news to make its way to her. She couldn’t stand to have that unsettled feeling stirring within her again so she decided she would much rather throw herself back in situations she knew she could handle, however resistant she was to the idea, than allow people who weren’t equipped to the job do the work while she sat back and watched, especially when that person was Phil.

The last thing she thought she would be doing was requesting to be put back into combat yet there she was, hovering in the doorway, waiting for him to finish giving his report so she could tell him. 

“I’m a little rusty.” He commented once the call ended, trying to dislodge the gun he had been messing with through his entire debriefing. She completely ignored his comment and said what she needed to before she changed her mind. 

“I don’t like running back end, where I can’t do anything.” She knew her words sounded harsh the second they came out but she couldn’t help it, she was still feeling edgy from the mission earlier. 

“If you don’t want to stay on the bus then you can just leave,” he said, almost matter of factly, verging on cold and impatient, still messing with the gun in his hands. She took it in stride, she knew he was stressed from the events during their most recent mission, of learning of a betrayal just before sending the doctor into the gravitonium. 

She sighed, rolling her eyes, as she made her way over to him. His attention was still on the gun. She laid her hands over top of his and gently guided them to the right position. 

“No I’m saying I want back in. Reporting for combat next time it’s up.” She said before seamlessly guiding him into dislodging the bullet from the gun and placing the slide back in place. For May, assembling and disassembling a gun was like riding a bike, easier than riding a bike. Her mother seemed to think it was an important skill for her to memorize once she reached a certain age. Just another reason _she_ should be the one in the field, not Phil. 

Setting the gun down and giving her his full attention, Phil contemplated her offer. “You doing this for SHIELD or to watch my back?” 

“You know the answer to that question.” She said and turned to leave, “and you are rusty,” she added before she disappeared from his doorway, obviously not wanting to discuss it any further. He chose to count that as a win, even if her motivations weren’t for herself yet, it would still do her some good.

\-----

Phil smiled in the darkness when felt a dip in his mattress. He was still impressed at Melinda’s stealth, somehow managing to open and close the door and walk over to his bed without a sound.

“It was nice working in the field with you again.”

“We almost burned to death.” She deadpanned and, although he couldn’t see in the dark, he knew she rolled her eyes. 

“Oh come on, it was just like the old days.” He tried as she settled in next to him, lying on her back, matching the same position he was in. 

“Except this isn’t the old days.” 

They let the silence linger for several minutes until she couldn’t stand to listen to his unsettled sighs anymore. 

“You gonna tell me what’s got you so worked up or are you just gonna keep practicing your heavy breathing exercises?” 

“It’s Skye,” he sighed. He had so many thoughts running through his head. About her tipping off Miles, the files she kept on herself, how she broke when she discussed her past. 

“I figured that,” May said, turning to face him. “You knew it was a risk when you brought her in. You can’t expect her to change just because you gave her a safe place.” 

He wondered briefly if she was talking about Skye or herself. It sounded oddly reminiscent but he thought it would be best if he didn’t bring that up. 

“No it’s not that, she actually wants to stay. It’s bigger than that.” 

Her eyebrows knitted together at his words. “What do you mean?” 

“She hacked SHIELD because she was trying to find her birth family. That’s why she stayed with us. The only thing she found about her entire life was a single redacted document. You should have seen her May. She was so worked up, so vulnerable. She’s just looking for some peace of mind.”

“You can’t fix everyone, Phil.” She commented, she knew where he was going with this. It seemed, since he had returned from the dead, he had been on a mission to take in as many ‘work in progresses’ as possible, to make it his job to repair any damage they had suffered: Akela, Skye, Ward, and herself included. Phil seemed to sense a lot of double meanings in this conversation and went along with them, adding his own. 

“But I can try.” he whispered and she knew full well he was talking about her as well in that moment, telling her that he wouldn’t give up on her. “I really think we can help her and look into that document.” 

“You don’t know what you’ll find. It was redacted for a reason. She might not like it.” 

“She knows that. Will you help me?” 

She sighed at that. She should have known he would try to drag her into it. “I’ll think about it,” she said as she turned back to her original position.

“Thanks May.” He found her hand beneath the covers and twined their fingers together, giving her hand a squeeze. She smiled and closed her eyes, ready to let sleep take her when she heard his voice again. 

“Hey,” he whispered, turning his head to face her.

“Hmm?” she hummed in question and mirrored his position. 

“I love you.” 

She rolled her eyes lovingly before she leaned over to kiss him. “I love you too,” she whispered, this time settling against his side. Phil let a calm little smile form on his face when he felt Melinda reach her arm around his middle, hugging him to her. Melinda relaxed just a little more when she felt Phil run his fingers through her hair. They had spent so much time keeping up personas and having disagreements since they started on the bus that it was nice for them to just relax and be themselves, not allowing the weight of everything else ruin the moment. They would go back to their work and disagreements in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A strange virus puts Jemma in danger and Phil deals with insecurities that the aftermath of his resuscitation had brought on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on ep 1x6

There was a pattern that seemed to be forming in their case. Men floating in the air with a burn mark in their faces was something they hadn’t seen before. It led them to the firehouse with another sick looking man, one they realized was carrying a virus, death calling his name. Phil did the only thing he could, had Melinda clear the building and sat down to talk to the man. He told him of his own death experience and more importantly that he shouldn’t be afraid. It was the first time he had really spoken about it honestly with anyone besides Melinda. The man seemed to accept his fate when he sent Coulson out but Phil couldn’t help but feel like he hadn’t done much. 

When Coulson finally left the fire station, he knew May had heard him. His talk about death. He could tell by the way she looked at him. Even in the field she couldn’t completely hide her emotions when it came to his so-called death. He stood close to her, away from everyone else, and they waited for the virus to take the man inside, a man who didn’t deserve it. He felt Melinda’s fingers link with his when no one was watching and gave them a little squeeze in response. He wasn’t sure if it was to comfort him or herself but he held on anyway until the blue light let them know it was over. 

Melinda wasn’t entirely sure what Phil was going through but she knew something was off. Lately he had been restless, mentally and physically. He was up even earlier than she was every morning which was unusual and when he did sleep it was light and fitful. He was always determined but he seemed to direct it in a different way since returning, he was less rule oriented and lacked the need for structure that he used to. 

She was especially worried when she heard him getting tested by Simmons under the guise of his doctors ordering them. She knew he ordered them himself and just the fact that he was worried about his health had her worried. Not only because she loved him but because she knew she had to inform Fury about it as well. She hated that part of her job, telling Fury details that Phil trusted her with, even if she knew it was for his own good. He told her to look for changes, that Phil couldn’t know something was wrong. She had no idea what would happen if he found out, or if what he went through had affected him negatively. The thought terrified her but she kept it quiet, not even letting Phil know she knew what he was doing, playing along with the charade that it was his doctors asking. She even asked him about it when they got a moment alone. 

“You’d tell me if something was wrong?” She asked. 

“Of course.” He smiled. 

She knew he was lying to her. Even if he was physically fine he wasn’t mentally but she let him go anyway. She allowed him the same space he gave her when she needed it and waited for Phil to come to her. She knew he would when he was ready. Instead she changed the subject, focusing on the other thing that was weighing on him, the death they just witnessed. 

“You did everything you could for him.”

She knew he didn’t believe her by the way he smiled and left to answer Simmons’s call. A call that revealed Jemma had contracted the virus which led them to all gather near the lab. 

They all took turns pacing and stopping in front of the glass to watch Jemma as she searched for a cure for herself. At one point Phil had stopped beside Melinda, watching Jemma with what Melinda could tell was frustration and hopeless determination. Phil felt Melinda’s hand intentionally brush over his, and immediately met her eyes, they were glassy with worry, matching how he felt. She always had a soft spot for kids, no matter what age, even after everything that happened. He saw it in they way she would smirk or roll her eyes at the kids’ jokes and quirks, how she silently watched over them during missions, and even as they watched Jemma, she had wrapped her arm around Skye, rubbing the girl’s arm soothingly. He leaned closer to her until their arms were pressed together from shoulder to wrist. It offered both of them comfort while they waited, a silent conversation offered to one another.

\-----

“She almost died today but you wouldn’t know it from how she’s acting.” Phil commented after Melinda entered his office and asked about Jemma. They definitely wouldn’t forget the way their hearts stopped when they first found out she had thrown herself out of the Bus, before Ward threw himself out after her. Nor would they forget that Fitz’s immediate reaction was to save her even without training. It was vaguely reminiscent of Phil and Melinda’s own relationship, that unwavering bond, even if FitzSimmons wasn’t yet aware of their connection.

“Things like that take time to settle in.” May replied, a fact they both knew too well. May and Coulson felt more lingering dread from Jemma’s stint than she did in that moment, having seen situations like that not end in a heroic save, knowing how bad it truly could have turned out. They sat in silence for a moment while Phil busied himself with looking at his test results, telling her they revealed he was fine, before giving away their true origin. 

“My doctor didn’t order these tests, I did, but you already knew that.” He confessed. “They say I’m fine but I don’t feel fine, I feel different.” 

On one hand, Melinda was relieved to hear he was physically fit but on the other, she could tell his mental state still needed some help. He still needed reassurance that feeling different was okay. That was one thing she could give. 

“Take off your shirt,” She responded simply, closing the door to his office behind her. He looked at her puzzled as she made her way over to him reaching for the buttons of his shirt. She met his eyes in a silent request and began unbuttoning his shirt when he nodded. She knew he was still sensitive about his scar, about how it looked and how other people viewed it. Steeling herself to try not to react, she exposed his scar for both of them to see. It was an unpleasant reminder to them both, for various reasons. He always hated the look that overtook her features for a split second before she composed herself when she would see his scar in those early days. It seemed, to him, like she was mourning him even though he was standing in front of her. It was a loss he couldn’t comprehend and he didn’t know how to make it go away or convince her he was still there. They both stood in silence for a moment, their breathing the only sound, before she met his eyes again. 

“You died, whether it was eight seconds or forty,” _or days_ , “This sort of trauma isn’t something you just get over, it changes you. You know how long it’s taken me to -”

“I know,” he interrupted, his voice soft, he didn’t want to make her say it. He knew it was hard enough on her to think of it in silence, without voicing it aloud. 

“It’s there to remind you there is no going back, you can only move forward.” She brushed the backs of her fingers over his cheek before settling her hand there. “You feel different because you are different.” 

He placed his hand over hers and leaned forward until his forehead rested against hers. He focused on the warmth her other hand was emanating into his chest where it laid flat over his scar. She never shied away from it which offered him comfort because he never quite knew how he felt about it. 

It was scary admitting how he felt out loud. It somehow made it more real, accepting the uncertainty. But Melinda was right, he had to accept where he was at in his life and keep moving forward. That’s what he would do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it. I tried to cover the important parts while changing the dynamics a bit. I'm really excited about the next chapter because I can really switch it up to fit the married au. Melinda will be dealing with the Asgardian staffs effects but she won't be doing it with Ward, I'm so excited about it, I've almost finished it so I should be posting it soon!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil helps Melinda deal with the aftermath of using the Berserker staff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on ep 1x08

Phil and Melinda sat in silence at his desk as he finished the paperwork for their last mission. He never thought he would have his arm elbow deep in an Asgardian’s chest nor that there was a staff made of pure rage but he’d been wrong before. After seeing what the staff did to Ward, Phil was especially worried about Melinda. She was handling it much better than Ward did, he knew she would. Melinda was never one to hide from her anger or tamp it down, she instead used it as a tool, let it course through her everyday so it didn’t have a chance to knock her off her feet in one blow. Phil wasn’t sure if it was a coping mechanism or a way she punished herself but whatever the case may be, he worried. He had seen her at her worst and he never wanted a replay of that again. 

They were alone on the Bus, everyone else was already at the hotel dealing with the day’s events at the bar. With both potential pilots having touched the staff Phil decided an overnight was necessary. The quiet was nice, settling. He knew she preferred it that way, the less chatter the better. 

Finishing the last touches to the final document, he finally closed out of the program and leaned back in his chair, letting out a long exhale and rubbing at his eyes. Melinda didn’t move from her position, maintaining a stillness very few could achieve, only moving her eyes to meet his gaze. She was never one for nervous habits or ticks, instead Phil gauged her worries by how still she remained and she was scoring very high on the metaphorical chart in that moment. 

He began to search through the bottom drawer in his desk until he found what he was looking for. He pulled a bottle of scotch out and put it on his desk, it was the expensive kind they saved for rough missions. It wasn’t the Haig, they agreed to wait for their twentieth wedding anniversary for that as a celebration that they survived that long, but this was the second best. Melinda raised her eyebrow at him. 

“I got us a room too, I think we deserve a night in a fancy hotel.” He said as he got up and walked around to her, holding his hand out for her to take. “Come on, your overnight bag is already there.” 

She looked at him for a moment before she grabbed the scotch in one hand and took his hand in the other. 

He could tell what she had on her mind as the elevator doors closed, taking them up to their room. She had turned to face him, their chests pressed together as she rested her head against the place where his neck met his shoulder. He felt her free hand begin to wander over his hip as she pressed her lips to his neck. 

“Whatever you need,” he whispered a bit breathless, running his fingers down her side just before the elevator doors opened and she led him out to their room.

\-----

Ward caught sight of May as he turned down the hall towards his room. She had a bottle of scotch in her hand and she wasn’t alone. Coulson was directly behind her, running his fingers along her spine as they stopped at the door. He watched as Coulson’s hand slid across her back to curl his fingers around her hip and squeezed gently. He was perplexed at the ease in which May leaned back into Coulson as she unlocked the door. What Ward was seeing was two people who were incredibly familiar with each other’s bodies. That was surprising. He knew agents would often get together to blow off steam but that seemed different. It was less urgent, more comfortable.

He was beginning to question how long they had been having sex while he remained oblivious as Coulson pressed a kiss to May’s neck just before entering their room and closing the door. They hadn’t even noticed he was there. Too wrapped up in each other. Not that he minded. He had his own problems to deal with after touching the staff.

\-----

The second the door closed behind them Melinda’s lips were on Phil’s, kissing him hard with a certain kind of urgency behind it. He quickly matched her pace, kissing her back with equal intensity. It wasn’t the first time they had done this.

They usually tried to refrain from using sex as a tool. They did it because it was fun, because they loved each other, because the other needed reassurance, but every so often, when a mission had gone bad or their thoughts got too heavy, they would use it as a form of release. Not that either of them minded offering that kind of comfort. 

He would definitely need a new shirt the next day, the buttons having fallen to the floor and they definitely needed to talk about what happened earlier that prompted this but he couldn’t think about any of that at the time. He could only think about the feel of her skin against his and the haunted look in her eyes as they worked their way towards release.

\-----

He was still breathing heavily moments after she collapsed on top of him, their skin still slick with sweat. Once they had settled again, he reached out his hand to brush away a strand of hair that had stuck to her damp forehead.

“It’s been a while since we’ve done that.” He commented, unable to stop himself from looking up at her lovingly, his worry still in the back of his mind.

“Are you complaining?” She asked in her usual deadpan tone, tilting her head to get a better look at him. 

“No of course not!” He quickly replied with maybe a bit more enthusiasm than necessary but he was glad he had done it when he saw the corner of her mouth pull upwards just a fraction. “How are you feeling?” He asked, sobering. 

She knew he was referring to dealing with the images from the staff. “I’m fine. It wasn’t anything I don’t see everyday.” 

He couldn’t help but feel sad at that comment, at knowing she replayed everything in her head at all times. So after running the backs of his fingers down her cheek, he leaned forward to kiss her, much softer than before, mostly to tell her he was there for her, whatever she needed.

They laid there in silence for a while, thankful to have a moment of quiet. A moment where they could be themselves and relax, not worrying if someone was going to catch them at any moment. She eventually got up, whispering, “I’ll be back,” softly before heading to the bathroom, pausing to grab her underwear and his shirt off the floor. When she returned he had found his bottoms as well and was sitting against the headboard, scotch and two glasses in hand. 

“You know, bringing scotch isn’t as fun if you don’t drink it after,” he joked as she sat next to him, stretching her legs out in front of her, gladly accepting the glass he handed her. She caught him staring at her while they drank, enamored with the way his now buttonless shirt hung open, just barely covering her. 

“You couldn’t have left just one button attached?” He teased, knowing he was caught.

“That would have taken too long,” she shot back, looking down at the shirt to see if any buttons remained. There weren’t any. 

When she looked back up he was looking at her as if he were considering something. She leveled his gaze, even if she would have preferred to close herself off and look away. He didn’t deserve that. His eyes were soft and thoughtful but also full of worry, not an uncommon look to throw her direction in those days. 

“You’d tell me if something were more wrong than normal right?” 

She sighed at that, of course he was still thinking about the staff’s effects. 

“Phil, I’m fine, stop worrying about me.” She assured him, trying not to let the slight irritation creep into her voice. She knew he meant well.  
She could tell she hadn’t completely hid her tone by the way his eyes saddened just a second before they went back to their normal appearance. 

He took their empty glasses and set them on the bedside table before he shifted to lay his head in her lap, looking up at her as she absent-mindedly ran her fingers over his scalp. 

“You know that’s impossible,” he responded, his voice much softer. 

She rolled her eyes lovingly at that. “Well then at least stop fussing.” 

“I can try.” He whispered, and smirked as he reached up to caress her cheek.

\-----

The jump next to her woke her that night in the hotel bed. It was Phil, his back was still to her and, from the way he was heavily breathing, she assumed he was woken up by another bad dream. She reached out a hand and placed it on his shoulder, rubbing over it with her thumb soothingly.

“I’m okay.” She heard him say quietly, remaining with his back to her although she felt his hand land on top of hers.

“You want to talk about it?” 

He just shook his head. She had a feeling she knew what he was dreaming about, about project TAHITI, but she wasn’t going to bring that up. Instead she inched closer to him, wrapping her arm around his chest before settling in to sleep again. 

“Thanks,” she heard his muffled response as he grabbed her hand, placing a kiss to it and laying it back against his chest, their fingers now intertwined. She just pressed a kiss to his neck in response, then rested her forehead against his back and waited for sleep to reclaim her. They were both exhausted and had their minds full. It was apparent they would be taking turns comforting each other in the foreseeable future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter, it's the first one where I really get to switch things around. I hope you all liked it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new mission of being the "Welcome Wagon" brings up old memories and reveals a few secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on ep 1x09

“Are you sure you’ll be okay with this case?” Phil questioned Melinda, eyeing her carefully. The last time they had been part of a welcome wagon their relationship and Melinda’s outlook on life had been nearly destroyed. 

Melinda sighed and looked up from the folder, the one containing the information on a woman named Hannah and the destruction that followed her. “I’ve already told you I’ll be fine Phil. I know how to handle it.” 

“You sure?” 

She chose to answer by staring back at him blankly, her slight irritation clear on her expression. 

“Alright then let’s go.”

\-----

The entire situation with Hannah and her potential “powered” quality really left Skye questioning May’s people skills. Even more so than before. First, she iced Hannah without warning, then she did nothing to ease her fears, remaining seemingly unaffected with the entire situation. Skye found her to be closed off and hard hearted. She supposed she would have to be in order to earn the title of “The Calvary”.

Skye had been voicing that opinion out loud to Coulson the entire time they were in his office, trapped by the semisolid man that was sporadically attacking them, until Coulson interrupted her speculations. 

He didn’t like the way she said “The Cavalry” with such carelessness, just throwing it out without realizing the weight it carried. He knew she and May didn’t see eye to eye but he couldn’t just let her go on with the very poor impression she had of May. It wasn’t even close to the May he knew and an even further cry from the person she was before Bahrain. 

“Don’t call her that.”

“Why?”

He recalled the story of Bahrain, telling Skye the truth, but withholding the part Melinda only trusted to him, the part that really destroyed her. That would stay between them until she decided otherwise. He told Skye about how Melinda used to be before that, looking back sadly at her free spirit and warmth. He wished Skye could have met her before, they were so alike and would have gotten along too well, probably exasperating Phil in the process. But Skye needed to know the truth behind what she was saying, to realize she wasn’t entirely right when it came to her thoughts on Melinda. 

“I thought I had lost her completely for an entire year. She came back eventually, but she wasn’t ever the same. That trauma still follows her.” He didn’t really know why he was telling Skye all that. There was just something about her that made it hard for him to lie. 

“That's why she’s on the plane. To see if that person’s still in there.” 

“I just wish I could do something more to help her because even if she’s changed she’s still May, she’s still my-,” A sound knocked against the door interrupting them. It was probably for the best that he was interrupted, before he said something he shouldn't. He had been too deep in thought to really consider what he was saying. Skye didn’t have time to process any of what Coulson had just said or was about to say, too worried by the cause of the sound.

\-----

“She can sleep in my bunk.” May told Skye as they entered the plane once again. “She’ll need it.” She added before opening the door of her bunk and heading back into the cockpit. Her attempt to isolate and protect Hannah in the barn really forced her to look at her life. It gave her quite a literal picture of what holding on to something that should be let go of would do. Every time that man tried to hold onto the girl and what he did to her, a little piece of himself was quite literally destroyed and May couldn’t help but draw painful similarities to herself. All the reminders of Bahrain left her feeling vulnerable, so she needed a moment of solitude to process everything on her own.

Skye stood in shock for a moment at May’s offer. She had never seen her do something so remotely close to being thoughtful. She didn’t bother to ask where May would sleep, not that May stuck around for conversation anyway, Skye just assumed May would turn into a gargoyle for a few hours or just stay awake with sheer willpower or something to that extent. 

Once Skye left Hannah, who was dead on her feet by the time they made it back, to sleep in peace, she briefly glanced around May’s bunk out of curiosity. After assuring herself Hannah was okay and satisfying the need to check out May’s space, she found Coulson looking mournfully at his watch. 

“Can you fix it?” 

“No, this one’s a lost cause.”

“But May isn’t.” She responding with a knowing smile. 

“I know.” She took in the way he said those words with such sincerity, and almost...affection? She was about to comment on it when he continued speaking. She couldn’t help the burst of validation she felt when he told her about how insightful he thought she was, in reading people or expressing the desire to, or about his plans for her to take over and hopefully rename the “welcome wagon.” It was the kind of thing she dreamed of someone telling her when she was young. But she still couldn’t let his earlier words go. About May. About how he said them. So before he left she couldn’t help but look at him conspiratorially. 

“So, do you and Agent May have like, a thing?”

“What makes you say that?”

“I dunno. Just the way you defend her and the way your voice changes when you talk about her. It’s like you guys have an understanding between each other that everyone else doesn’t.”

“We’ve known each other a long time.”

She squinted her eyes suspiciously at that, she didn’t believe that was it. “No it’s more than that.” 

“Insightful as ever. It’s a bit more than “a thing,” really.” He smiled, hands in his pockets, before leaning closer to her. “If I tell you a secret, can I trust you not to tell anyone else?” He asked, continuing when she nodded eagerly. “We’re married.” And with that statement he turned and walked away amused at the dumbfounded look on her face. 

She spluttered a bit before any real sound came out, “Oh come on AC, you’re just going to say that and leave?” 

She thought May and Coulson were close from the way he talked about her but she didn’t realize they were that close. 

The first thing she wanted to do was hack into their database and see if he was being serious or not. She found that new piece of information to be a game changer, a whole new side to the seemingly rough Agent May. She wanted to know all the details, the first being how they could even maintain a relationship with Coulson being so warm and chatty while May leaned more towards cold and silent. She wondered how much May really had changed after she became “The Calvary” and what could have been so bad to change her so much. But before she did that, she decided she needed to see May. To just sit in silence with her to make sure things were okay. 

Skye was learning so much about her and she decided that maybe getting to know her, however slow a process that may be, wouldn’t be so bad. So with May’s silent approval, Skye sat in the co-pilot’s chair, admiring the view of the sky, throwing glances in May’s direction every so often. 

“Are you going to ask me what you want to ask me or are you just going to keep staring at me?” May asked, not bothering to glance at Skye. She had to admit, she was surprised at how long Skye was willing to sit in silence with her when she could tell the girl was absolutely going to bust at the seams with whatever it was she wanted to ask her. 

Skye leaned forward eagerly, resting her forearms on her knees. “So, how long have you and Coulson been married?” 

Skye thought that would have for sure gotten May to flinch but she didn’t, although, she could have sworn she saw May’s lips twitch into a smirk but it was gone just as fast as it appeared. “Sixteen years.”

“What?!” Skye all but shouted in excitement at this new information. “How does no one on the bus know?” 

“We like to keep it between ourselves, makes work easier.”

“Oh come on it’s obvious you guys have something going on, married might be a little harder to guess but still, you’re telling me you guys managed to actually keep it a secret.” 

“You’d be surprised.” 

“I sure am.” 

May’s answers were still short and unemotional. Skye couldn’t tell if May just lacked emotion or if she was annoyed by her, she guessed it was a bit of both, but at least she was talking at all.

\-----

They still had a long flight ahead of them, so putting the plane on autopilot, Melinda decided to sneak in a few hours of sleep. Knowing her bunk was occupied, she snuck into Phil’s office which doubled as his room, careful to not make a sound, she would be gone before anyone knew. Not that they were truly hiding their marriage anyway, they just found it easier to let people find out on their own. It gave them some peace, not having to answer questions about, “if it's hard to be married to her superior,” or “were they disagreeing because of the mission or because of a fight between them.” Those questions were tiring and a little degrading in May’s opinion, to think her so single minded and petty.

As she entered his office and closed the door again, she kicked off her boots and tapped him on the shoulder twice, a move she had perfected to subconsciously tell him it was just her, no need to panic. Once she settled under the covers, his arms found his way to her, wrapping around her in his sleep before waking. 

“Nice to see you,” he whispered in a sleep drenched tone, kissing her softly, before settling back down. They let the silence linger for a bit before he spoke again, in the softest whisper so they wouldn’t wake anyone else. He was used to doing most of the talking, her silence didn’t phase him anymore, he knew she preferred to just listen. 

“It was good to see your handiwork again too, the whipped cream to Fitz’s face. You should have seen him when he came out of his bunk.” He commented. She just smiled, amused at her work and the fact that Phil, without question, knew it was her. He had been on the receiving end of that trick a few times in their younger years. 

“Oh, and Skye knows about us.” He added quickly. 

She lifted her head at that, getting a better view of his face. “I know. You wanna tell me how she found out?”

He at least looked a little bashful about it. “We were talking earlier, she asked about Bahrain and I guess something I said or the way I said it tipped her off because later she asked if we had ‘a thing’ and I told her the truth.”

“Ah, I see the rumors of ‘The Cavalry’ have been spreading again,” she whispered, the bitterness cutting through her voice, before she went back to her normal whisper again, settling back into him as he pulled her closer just a fraction, knowing her sensitivity to the subject. “I figured it would be Skye who found out first, she’s too nosey for her own good, and she can hack state records and find it there anyway.”

He paused a moment to think about everything that had happened throughout their mission. Of how Melinda handled the mission, resigned and detached in the beginning but gave in to her emotions in the end, softening in her own way towards the girl. It wasn’t a lot but progress was progress. 

“You did good today, Melinda.”

“Phil.” Her tone was tired, a warning. She didn’t want to talk about it.

“I know, I know,” he whispered, rubbing his hand over her back, “I’ll let you get some sleep.”

“Good, one of us needs to be awake enough to land the plane later and the team would probably prefer it be the one who can fly it.” she quipped before pressing another kiss to his lips. They were rarely alone, sharing such a small space with the team, and they knew better than to not take advantage of it. He remained holding her close as she fell asleep, not only to keep them both on the small bed, but because it offered comfort to them both. He knew she would be awake and doing something in the bus when he woke up again so he enjoyed the closeness while he had it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super long delay. I don't really know how I feel about this chapter but its been sitting in my drafts for like two months so I figured I would just post it. I'm still trying to find the balance of what to post of the show and not to post. I hope it's okay.
> 
> Also super big thanks to iamproudlysmile for being a total babe and encouraging me to just post the damn thing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team finds themselves a step behind when it comes to Centipede. Skye and May have a disagreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I started a new job and am in the process of applying to grad school so things got a little hectic.

“This is very strange, isn’t it?” Fitz whispered to Skye and Simmons as they stood in the lab watching Coulson and May spar each other. They weren’t sure what was more surprising, that Coulson got a few hits in or that May was smiling. 

“Do you think she’s taking it easy on him?” Jemma asked when Coulson had May in what appeared to be some sort of lock. 

“I don’t think- oh definitely not.” Skye started and then finished as she watched May throw Coulson roughly to the floor, grinning as she stood over him. “You know they used to do this all the time when they were partners.” Skye whispered unable to keep the gossip to herself. 

“Really? They were partners?” Jemma asked excitedly, her nose scrunching up as if the prove it, “that certainly explains a lot.” 

“I know right?!” Skye thought she noticed some subtle touches the couple shared as they fought but from the way Jemma didn’t comment or turn red she assumed she was just making something out of nothing because of what she knew. She figured they had been married long enough to know better than to give themselves away with something small like that. 

Soon Ward took Coulson's place as Coulson went back to his office to make some calls. That was less exciting for Skye, although the fight was much more intricate, they had that specialist connection to bond over and all. She decided to run a program to find her potential mother instead, as successfully as she could with her nanny bracelet attached.

———

Skye had been in her bunk running her search when Coulson appeared in the doorway.

“Mission briefing in five.” He said before he got a better view of Skye’s screen. “Katherine Shane?”

“You know her?” Skye asked getting more excited than she should.

“Yeah, we ran a few ops together back in the nineties.” He stated and began to fondly recall her personality and likes, she was good people. 

“Whoa, what does Agent May think about her?” Skye teased at Coulson’s enthusiasm. 

“May’s not the jealous type, she knows I wouldn't do that to her, besides she’d kick my ass if I ever did, which is fair.” 

Skye chuckled a little at his confession, eager to tell him what she was doing. “Agent Shane could be my mom.” She ignored his following comment that the agent who dropped her off may not even be the one who gave birth to her and instead began to tell him about the program she had created, the one that could potentially help her find her mom. She also made it a point to complain about her “nanny bracelet”. “Don’t suppose you could take it off so I could look into some more secure files?” She figured she try it. 

“No. But I asked May to look into the more secure files.” 

Skye’s face fell a little at that. “I guess I should have expected you would tell her. I just don’t really want it this to get out.” 

“Don’t worry. She’ll keep it quiet, that’s her specialty.” Skye couldn’t help but strongly agree with that statement. If there was one thing that anyone could deduce about May it was that she was tight lipped. “Let’s go.” He added and left.

———

The meeting revealed that Po had been broken out of jail with something in mind and it was clear that they needed to do something about it. Centipede was clearly uninhibited by their last stunt in Hong Kong and had now found a way to stabilize their super soldiers which was a problem in need of fixing as well.

To even the footing, SHIELD brought on Mike Peterson to aid them, ignoring May’s clear bitterness towards the man that threw her into a wall. Phil assumed she would either get over it or get even anyway. Mike had recovered and worked with SHIELD since their first meeting and was showing admirable work. He was an asset to them with both his knowledge of Centipede and his physical abilities. Not to mention, FitzSimmons was more than happy to fawn over him and engineer him a new suit. 

But for the time being, the team decided to check out a few leads, the first was to contact a potential source that would connect then to a super soldier.

———

Coulson and Ward were following up on a lead for the super soldiers, driving to a school to find a potential connection while Ward read up on the source info.

“Solving women?” Ward questioned in disbelief, reading the description for the class their source was taking. “A whole class on understanding the female psyche.” 

“I know right? I always found solving the puzzle to be half the fun.” Coulson chimed in. 

“You solve a lot of puzzles in your day?” Ward asked casually, the innuendo quite obvious. 

“A few, some were more rewarding than others. One was especially rewarding.” He replied, the cryptic way he used to speak about May coming back to him easily. 

“What happened?” 

“I married her.” He couldn’t help but smile at his own confession. 

“You’re married, sir? I’ve never read anything about it in your file.” 

“Fury and I agreed it would be better to keep it confidential, you know prevents problems.”

“And how does she feel about all this?” Ward asked, referring to being married to an agent. If only he knew that he stood next to Phil’s wife every mission. That would be a surprise, he thought with amusement. 

“She understands. She was super pissed when I died though, yelled at me for ten minutes straight when I first got home.” That wasn’t much of an exaggeration. 

“And all this time away doesn’t bother her?” Coulson was used to that particular line of questioning by then, having many of the single male agents seek out dating advice for many years figuring if he could do it then they could do it. 

“Nah, she understands. She’s good about stuff like that.” May really was great, even when she stayed on desk duty and he went further into the field. She never complained and always understood. He might have taken slight advantage of her specialist understanding, if he was completely honest. He wasn’t really sure how a civilian wife would deal with his lifestyle nor did he want to know. Besides he was more than happy with the woman he shared his life with. He thought even the emotionally injured, self loathing May that came out of Bahrain was better than the vast array of potential women he could have ended up with. She was his best friend and he, himself, couldn’t even understand how much love he carried for her. 

With all that in mind, he was glad they made it to their destination and Ward left to target their source so he didn’t accidentally let any crucial information slip, revealing their secret. 

Their investigation did prove to be fruitful and led them to the location of the warehouse where the super soldiers were being held.

———

“Hey I heard you were working on my case, ya know, about finding my mom. Thanks.” Skye tried when May approached, feeling a bit at a loss when May remained silent. “Okay.. I can tell you’re really into this, so I made a list I didn’t know if maybe you’d want to look at it.”

“Is this why you called me here?” May asked, trying not to let what she already knew show through, trying to hide anything she felt. That Skye’s past was more than likely dark with the agent that brought her to the orphanage having been murdered in cold blood. She made a mental note to _really_ make sure Phil knew she didn’t like the position he put her in.

“Uh. No.” Skye stuttered. “I called because I got the audio off the video.” Feeling a little awkward at the way May eyed the thumb drive she was still holding containing her potential mothers. 

“Show me.” She left it at that, the less talking they did about it, the better. For now she had avoided the subject, but she knew Skye was persistent.

———

Centipede seemed to be ahead of them every step of the way and now, with Po broken out of jail after a conversation with the girl in the flower dress that they learned to be Raina, and the super soldiers who were not only stable but stronger than ever, they were once again playing catch up. They were left with more questions than answers. What did the stabilization of Centipede mean for them? Who is the Clairvoyant? What is their motivation? They figured their questions would only be answered by infiltrating the warehouse, a task which did not provide the results they hoped for.

Their showdown at the warehouse led to that realization which left Mike Peterson stabbed and the rest of the team well battered with more questions than answers. May unintentionally took her frustrations out on Skye, once again shutting down her attempt to find her mother to withhold the truth. She didn’t really mean to lash out but she didn’t know another way to get herself alone in that moment. She knew she still had her own problems to sort out and that sort of frustration had her reverting back to her silent ways, saying something harsh just to get a moment alone. Seeing the look on Skye’s face made her instantly change her course of action, she didn’t want Skye to get hurt but she also didn’t want to be the one that hurt her, she had hurt enough kids to last a lifetime, she thought bitterly to herself. 

“Look Skye, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up on a slim chance that your mother is even in there, because she’s probably not. You need to focus on your work for now, okay? That should be the reason you’re here.” She attempted to reason, hoping that her words somehow made up for the ones she said moments before.

She knew she had already cut Skye to her core by the way the girl’s jaw clenched and lip trembled as she hastily nodded and ran off. 

Meanwhile, Coulson sat in his office trying to regroup. He had been telling Mike, who was now sporting a stab wound and unfit for combat, what he needed to hear, about talking to his son and being the person he needed to be. If he was good at anything, it was helping people see their worth and potential which was something he excelled at both at home and at work. 

His pep talk worked but only led down a darker path. They learned Mike’s son had been taken as leverage. A deal was made and a plan was formed to get his son back, Mike for his son, not that anything went as planned anyway.

———

“So were clear on the plan?” Phil asked Melinda from the passenger seat. They both remained in the car while the others were gathered around the van, prepping Mr. Peterson.

“Yes,” She responded, gripping the steering wheel tighter than necessary, “I still don’t like it.”

“Good, that means you still like me,” he joked and continued after she rolled her eyes, “But Mr. Peterson requested it to be me doing the handoff.” 

She gave a curt nod and he could see her working her jaw the way she always did when she was holding back an argument. They both spotted the car they were looking for and Phil took a breath while Melinda radioed the others to ensure the were ready. 

Phil reached his hand out to lightly brush his fingers over Melinda’s cheek, enjoying the briefest moment where she let herself be unguarded, before sharing a brief kiss, hidden from the other agents. When she opened her eyes again after pulling back, they were hard which Phil knew meant she was worried but he knew he couldn’t say anything to ease that. All he could do was come back safe and make a new plan for her to really settle. 

“Okay. Let’s go.” He said and Melinda gave a brief but sure nod before she exited the vehicle to join everyone else. 

———

Melinda knew something was wrong the second Mike Peterson had began walking their way with his son. It was Phil who should have been coming back. She knew it was a possibility but she still gritted her teeth against the thought. 

Phil had been placed in a car and Mr. Peterson had began running back to the scene when the explosion happened. The scream Melinda heard from Skye was immediately drowned out by the blood rushing to her ears as the air seemingly left her lungs and she braced herself against the car door. _This can’t be happening_ , she thought to herself. She couldn’t lose him again, not so soon after the first time. 

She felt the smallest hint of relief and a large amount of anger when she saw the helicopter fly away from the scene, knowing they took him. She just hoped she could get to him before they did something worse than death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it! I know this one didn't have very much philinda but they will soon! Let me know what you guys think.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coulson must face his worries while the team searches for him. Skye and Melinda come to a common understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient. I made this one extra long so I hope you like it!

Skye rode back with May, Ace in the backseat, while Ward drove the rest of the team back in the van once SHIELD arrived and took over the scene. She knew Skye was the only one who would understand where this desperate need was coming from when she spoke, having been the only one in the bus to know of her and Coulson’s relationship. The only one who had to means to do something about it. 

“Skye, I know we don’t always see eye to eye,” she started, recalling how she shut Skye down both times the subject of finding Skye’s parents came up, “but what we have in common is Coulson. So there’s something I’m going to need you to do for me when the time comes and it can only be you.” 

The girl still looked a little shell shocked but quickly shook it off at hearing May’s voice, clearly intrigued by her statement. “What is it?”

———

“Agent May, is this girl of any use on the plane?” Victoria Hand asked, having taken over the plane in search of Centipede.

“No,” May replied stone faced. She had to admit, Skye did a really good job acting as if she was incredulous and upset at May’s reply, as if they hadn’t discussed their plan in the SUV on the way to the plane the night Phil was taken. The girl had a lot of raw talent and if shaped correctly, she could go really far. Not that May had any intention of mentoring again, she didn’t think she had any right to after what she’d done, but she wasn’t thinking about that at the time. She could only think about getting Phil back and safe. 

“Agent May, is this case going to be a problem for you? I know you and Agent Co-” 

“No,” May cut off Hand before she spilled everything to the team. The last thing she needed was the looks and whispers she would undoubtedly receive from her team if they found out about them just then. They needed to focus on finding Phil, not be distracted with imagining how her relationship with Phil worked. “It wasn’t a problem then and it isn’t now.” 

She didn’t miss the confused look shared between Fitz and Simmons but she knew they were too timid to ask or get to the truth. She was still in the clear for now.

———

Meanwhile, miles away in an abandoned bomb testing facility, Phil caught his breath after being put through another session in the memory machine, composing himself by the time his blurred vision slowly cleared again. He was getting tired of fighting it but yet another lie of what he saw passed through his lips when Po asked what he saw.

Po was beginning to become impatient, bringing up the death of Phil’s father and breaking the truth that Phil had truly died in an attempt to get him to cooperate. Phil took each in stride, he would have a lot to deal with mentally whenever he got out of there, he thought to himself but held strong anyway. He wasn’t going to give Po the satisfaction. 

Still, that prod really hurt every time it sent volts of electricity coursing through him and after a while he thought maybe Po really would take him up on his offer to die before he said anything of use. His breakout attempt was a bust and only led to more beatings. 

His vision had just begun to get hazy when he heard a different voice enter. It was a woman, Raina, and he could hear what vaguely sounded like arguing before Po dropped to the ground and Raina stepped forward, dismissing the guards as she did so. 

He had to admit, Raina’s tactic was actually pretty convincing. She was much softer, delicate with her words, and it seemed she was telling the truth. Even pulling the “we want the same thing” bit. In his experience that was much more effective than beating it out of someone. He knew he would never tell them anything but still… she knew exactly the soft spots to push, making some good points on her way. 

“Shield withheld the fact that you died. The Clairvoyant knows that it keeps you up at night, that it bothers you that when you sought answers you were denied.” She kept talking through his counter arguments, even as he began to create space between them. “Shield is your only family, especially after the death of your mother.”

Phil could feel Raina begin to break him down with every sentence she spoke. His loss of his family, his mother, about SHIELD being his only family. He had finally hit his breaking point when she spoke of Melinda. Melinda had always been and would always be his weakness. 

“Shield nearly broke the last of what you have to hold onto. They told your wife you were dead. She thought you were dead for months. After everything she’s been through, she had to deal with another loss. She cried for days, barely ate, wouldn’t speak. She’s a little more broken now isn’t she?” 

Phil felt his throat start to close with emotion at her words. Melinda never truly told him how she had dealt with it, always skimming past the details, but she still didn’t look at him the same. He could see the sadness behind her eyes anytime there was a reminder of his death. She hid it well but he knew her better than that. He remembered how broken she looked when he first came home, how she yelled at him as hot tears broke free onto her cheeks. His loss had hurt her and as much as she pretended to be fine, he knew she still worried and he couldn’t explain it to her because he had no idea what had happened to him. 

“How could you know that?” He asked, unable to hide the way his voice wavered at the thought of May reverting back to her isolated state. 

“It hurts you to know she was broken because of you doesn’t it? They wouldn’t even let you tell her you were alive.”

“I- I couldn’t,” he tried but he couldn’t respond, his throat too tight to keep throwing back aimless comebacks. 

“Shield did that with a lie and they’re still lying to you.” Raina finished and he knew he had to know what happened. Too much had come from it for him not to know what truly happened. “Don’t you want to know what happened in Tahiti?”

“It’s a magical place,” he breathed out, confused by how that statement kept falling from his lips without his consent whenever Tahiti was brought up. “I keep saying that… but I don’t know why.” He faltered. 

“Don’t you want to know why?” Raina asked, her voice steady yet somehow carrying an empathetic undertone, one of great understanding. 

“Turn it on.”

———

Fitz and Simmons were explaining their new toxin for the super soldiers when Jemma got a call from a sat phone. May knew it was Skye the second Jemma started talking, that girl really wasn’t good at lying, and May resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Although she felt a hint of pride for her little team, planning right under Victoria Hand’s nose this whole time.

“Oh, uh, Agent May it’s for you.” Jemma stuttered. 

“Skye? What did you find?” 

“I followed the money trail. I think I know where Coulson is.”

———

The team found themselves standing in front of Hand, making their intentions known. Telling her about Skye and her lead.

“Agent May you agreed with sending Skye off the plane.”

“And it looks like it worked out perfectly.”

“I guess I should have expected that. If Fury and Hill can’t maintain perspective then you of all people certainly wouldn’t be objective in this case.” Hand stated in the cool tone she always used, as if unphased by anything. 

“I don’t care what you do, I’m taking my team and we are going to find Coulson,” Ward interrupted, growing impatient, after some talk of the plan. 

“What do you think she meant when she said that Agent May especially wouldn’t be objective? None of us are.” May heard Fitz whisper to Simmons as they made their way to the car. 

“I dunno Fitz, they’ve know each other longer,” Simmons dismissed in an equally hushed tone, but not low enough for May to miss. 

It might have worried her if she wasn’t already so worried about finding Coulson. In that moment she only cared about getting Coulson back and destroying whoever got in her way.

———

Coulson laid back in the machine, trying his best to ease his nerves. The vision of Tahiti washed away as he really began remembering what happened. He had died. They brought him back to life and it was agonizing. He wanted to die. He couldn’t handle the pain and torture they were putting him through. It was excruciating, as if they were lighting his brain on fire, picking it apart section by section. No matter how much he begged, the doctors continued.

“Let me die,” he shouted over and over, his voice growing hoarse. Then suddenly the scene was gone and he was back in the dusty old room. He could hear Skye’s worried voice. 

“Coulson, please wake up, please,” Skye cried, feeling immediately relieved when May unplugged the machine and he came back to reality.

“Skye,” he whispered, letting the tiniest hint of a smile form as his conscious mind returned. 

“Skye, help me get him up.” Skye could hear the distress in May’s voice as she went to Coulson’s side. 

“Melinda?” Coulson called when he heard her voice.

“I’m here, you’re safe,” May soothed both Coulson and herself, feeling her heart break at his vulnerability as he rested his head against her stomach the second they sat him up. 

Skye felt her entire chest constrict when she realized there was a tremor running through Coulson and his fists were clenched in attempt to gain control. She realized he must have finally let the weight of everything he compartmentalized hit him as he leaned further into his wife, finally feeling safe enough to do so. May was his solid ground, gently laying her hands over his shoulders, silent for the moment. Coulson seemed to catch his breath and reached up to give May’s fingers a squeeze as if to say “thank you,” or “I’m okay now,” and Skye got the feeling they had done that before. 

Once May was sure Coulson had come back to reality she turned her focus on Skye, who looked as distressed as she felt. 

“Skye, get the others. Have Ward call HQ and come back here to secure Raina. Go.” She commanded, watching Skye shake herself out of her thoughts and head out the door. Once Skye was gone, Melinda crouched down in front of Phil landing her just below eye level with him. His eyes were still trained to the floor. 

“Phil, look at me.” She spoke softly. His eyes were haunted when he finally lifted them to hers. “What happened?” 

“I saw what happened on the helicarrier. I died. But they brought me back. They messed with my brain. I was in so much pain. I wanted to die, May.” He whispered, almost afraid to say it out loud. 

She closed her eyes against the thought before taking a breath and meeting his eyes again. She gently cradled his face in her hands, giving him a touch to ground himself back to reality again, feeling him lean into her hand. They were quiet for a moment, her thumb absently stroking his cheek as she mentally took inventory of his injuries. 

“Can you walk?” She asked when she heard the team approaching outside. 

“I think so.” 

He stood up and instantly regretted it, suddenly feeling light headed as his blood tried to regain equilibrium. May caught him as he swayed forward and he gave in to the desire to rest his forehead on the crook of her neck, inhaling the comforting scent that was her. He would have used anything to bring him back to reality faster and Melinda was the best thing for it. He wasn’t sure how long they stood that way but it was long enough for the spots in his vision to go away and his heart to begin to steady. 

He flinched a little when he heard footsteps approaching but May was quick to soothe him. “It’s just Skye,” she whispered. 

Skye had never seen Coulson so vulnerable and in pain as he stood leaning against May, letting her take most of his weight. It left an unsettled feeling within her and she didn’t like it. 

“Just breathe.” May soothed him again, running her fingers over his neck and down his back in a slow methodical motion. “You okay now?” She asked when she heard the others approaching and felt him nod against her shoulder before he straightened up again. 

The team didn’t say anything about May getting into the back seat of the car with Coulson when they were finally clear to leave. They didn’t comment when he leaned into her the whole trip back, resting his head on her shoulder, finally letting exhaustion take over and sleep claim him. They were all too relieved to have him back to really give it some thought.

———

May was already sitting in his office, waiting, when he finally made his way back from talking to the other agents.

“You lied to Skye.” May commented matter of factly once he had settled into his chair. 

“Hmm?” He hummed absentmindedly. 

“When you said those things you saw weren’t real.”

“She doesn’t need to worry about me.” He shrugged dismissively. 

May let that settle in for a moment, as if truly considering it. “Do I need to worry about you?” She knew what he saw was real, that it was constantly on his mind. 

“Would it matter if I said no?” 

“No. It wouldn’t.” She knew he was getting closer to the truth and that worried her. How far could he go before he was truly affected once again? There were very few people who knew the truth about Coulson and even then it was only half the story. The only person who could give away the whole truth was Fury and he was very tight lipped about it. 

“Listen May, I need to go out for a bit. Find some answers.” 

“When?” 

“As soon as we land.” 

She didn’t trust herself to say anything without giving herself away so she settled for a silent nod, hoping he didn’t see the way she tightened her jaw as she did so. She hated herself for hoping he wouldn’t find anything. She knew the second he left the plane she would have to report to Fury to tell him Coulson was suspicious, that he was looking for answers. She hated herself for that too but she would never apologize for it, not if it kept him safe.

———

Skye heard footsteps late the night they landed to make a pit stop before taking off again. She was in her bunk, too wound up to sleep, Coulson had left without a word and had just gotten back, it was late. Apparently she wasn’t the only one up late.

“Did you get the answers you were looking for?” It was May’s voice. 

“I got answers.” She heard Coulson’s voice respond, it sounded dejected and frustrated. 

“What can I do?” 

Skye was always confused by their conversations. It was as if she wasn’t getting the whole thing, like they were somehow speaking telepathically or just didn’t care to explain anything and accepted that. She almost wished May would have asked Coulson to elaborate so she could know what they were talking about in context. 

“I don’t know yet, honey, it’s just a lot to take in,” Coulson sighed, his tone was still hushed. Skye had almost forgot they were married until she heard that. They were so tight lipped and buttoned up about it that she wondered how they could even be married but the past few days gave her some insight. 

“You’re worried.” May stated it as a fact rather than a question. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You only call me that when you’re worried or distracted.” 

“I just can’t stop thinking about what I saw and I’m afraid if I go to sleep I’ll have to see it, feel it, again.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Skye assumed he shook his head no because there was a pause in the conversation. 

“Not yet.”

“Come here,” She heard May say and then she heard some shifting sounds before she spoke again, “come sit with me in the cockpit then, I’ll stay awake with you.” 

“Okay,” Coulson’s voice was muffled from what Skye assumed to be their embrace. She imagined Coulson pressing his face into May’s shoulder, his own shoulders sunken in defeat as May wrapped her arms around them. She was left with a growing curiosity as she heard their footsteps fade.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil deals with the the after effects of the memory machine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated for so long. My writing was really starting to feel eh and I needed a break with work and grad school apps taking up my time but I think I'm back now so my updates should become more frequent.

Sixteen years married and May would have thought she knew most things about her husband. She knew he mumbled in his sleep, making grocery lists or complimenting Captain America. It was endearing and the constant noise often lulled her back to sleep when she awoke from a particularly disturbing dream of her own. She was also impressed that his training carried into his unconscious state; he never spilled a secret. “That’s level five May, you’re only level four,” Coulson would mumble, his sleeping face scrunching in concern, when they were still dating and May would try to coax information out of his sleeping persona. She remembered how amusing she found it, it was a game for her. 

What she wasn’t prepared for was the screaming night terrors that followed after they rescued him. He never spoke as clearly as he did when he was begging the doctors in his dream to let him die. He never used to wake up in such a panic, shooting straight out of bed and flinching at any contact before he realized it was just her. The way he would sink into her broke her heart but the nights he would tear away from her, throwing himself out of bed and leaving the room, left her feeling worse. He would eventually find her again, silently getting back into bed and resting his head against her collarbone while his fingers traced over her side distractedly. A silent conversation of, “I’m sorry I freaked out,” and “it’s okay, I understand,” passing between them with each subtle caress. 

If there was any bright side to the situation, which May was grim about, Phil seemed to level out after a few days off and in their own house. He definitely didn’t get any better but he didn’t get any worse either and that was something to hold onto. 

She was as grateful as she was bitter every time she reported to Fury that Coulson’s mood seemed to have stabilized. She hated that job, omitting almost all personal details when she did so, but the last thing she wanted was to lose him because she didn’t say something when she should have. So she kept with it, comforting the love of her life with one hand and reporting on him with the other. 

May was glad for the days off after they had found Coulson. She wasn’t sure if she could have kept away from him so often to keep their secret knowing he spent almost every night haunted by nightmares that had him gasping for air when he woke. During the day he had a tendency to isolate himself but when it was late and his walls were down he would allow her to provide him as much comfort as she could offer. He never really said anything about it and she, being the silent one anyway, didn’t bring anything up either. 

Their first day back in the bus, however, seemed to have reawakened his nightmares. She woke instantly at the jolt next to her, thankful she risked staying in his bunk. Phil was beside her, breathing heavily, having just been woken up by yet another nightmare. Melinda dragged herself up to sit next to him, her fingers just barely grazing over his back. 

“I’ve got you. Just breathe.” She whispered, remaining quiet until his breathing resembled something normal. He let out a long exhale and hunched over, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. 

“I can’t keep doing this May.” He sighed, sounding utterly defeated. “I need to know what really happened to me. I’m so tired of being lied to.”

“I know,” she said softly, caressing his cheek before pressing a gentle kiss there. She ran her fingers over his back, waiting for him to settle closer. 

“I really thought the dreams were starting to get better,” he sighed defeatedly, his voice muffled from the way he had his face pressed into her neck. She could tell he was exhausted, his eyes never stayed open for long and each blink got heavier while his words were slightly slurred. It wasn’t long until they settled back into bed with Phil still wrapped in Melinda’s embrace, his head still resting against her neck. 

“It’s just the change of scenery. Home is a safe place but the bus brings back memories, seeing their concerned faces makes you think about what happened.” She said referring to the way each member of the team studied him a little longer or how their faces dropped just a little whenever they saw him. 

“Spend time in my head often, do you?”

“Years of practice,” she smiled a little at that, gently tracing her fingers over his arm is a soothing motion. “Besides, I know you Phil.” 

He responded by hugging her a little closer. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked, already knowing the answer. Her assumption was confirmed when she felt him shake his head in the negative. “We could always have sex instead.” She said nonchalantly, knowing the abrupt change of pace would amuse him. She was rewarded with a smile and amused huff, reveling in the feel of his lips turning upwards against her skin.

“We aren’t supposed to do that here, remember?” a teasing undertone coming through his sleep drenched voice before he pressed a kiss just below her jaw. 

“Then why is your hand up my shirt?” She countered in the same tone, noting the way his fingers spanned across her ribs. 

“Just seemed like a good place,” he shrugged, his feigned innocence countered by a wicked smirk, a yawn following shortly. 

“You should go back to sleep.” 

“Probably.” A quiet moment passed between them before Coulson spoke up again. “Hey May?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.”

“Sleep.”

“Okay.” 

Once Phil was sound asleep again, Melinda carefully slipped away to the cockpit. She felt a twinge of bitterness as she reached for her secret line. She absolutely hated reporting on Coulson, it felt like such a violation of trust, like she had no right to be his confidant at this point. But she was under orders and she knew it was for his own safety but that didn’t stop the resentment she felt from boiling to the surface every time she reached for the phone. Letting out a heavy sigh, she resigned herself to her chore of relaying everything she needed to before locking it away again and getting ready for the day. It’s was nearly time for her morning routine anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and I hoped you all liked it!


End file.
